Facebook Musings by Alan Bernhoft

Lighting my cigar with a $100 bill, lit my handlebar moustache, burst into flame. Lesson learned for sure this time. June 12 at 4:45pm

Again, with the penguins. Apparently, they had their own set of keys made during the holiday weekend, now they’ve taken over the poolhouse. I’ve lost my respect for the entire species. There. I said it. Anyone else smell truffle oil? June 11 at 7:45am

It’s really not such a great idea to tie your dog to the landing gear of a commercial airliner, even if you’re only going to be gone for a minute…learned that lesson the hard way. June 5 at 2:25pm

piles of charts and graphs out in the front yard this morning…the possums had another board meeting last night…happens every time I leave the podium out June 1 at 7:17am

another dream about tadpoles…but this time they weren’t talking, like they do in real life. dreams are so silly May 26 at 6:47am

When my sister was younger she came home from school one day and demanded I take her to the library so she could get books on turtles. I asked why? She told me there was a new kid at school who was a turtle and she wanted to befriend him. Today I stood beside her at their wedding watching her marry a reptile. May 21 at 7:21am

the Emu Retrofitting Facility Station was closed today (some kind of government holiday) talk about some pissed-off Aussies- line around the block! May 14 at 6:01am

next week is my turtle’s bar mitzvah and he’s COMPLETELY stressed about the band. ran his pickup into a ditch. positive thoughts out to Yurtle, everybody… May 10 9:00 AM

huge pounding in the attic woke me up in the middle of the night…the penguins were back, partying like crazy, RAMMSTEIN’s “Liebe ist für Alle da” blasting away as usual. I told them in no uncertain terms this was the last time. little bastards May 9 at 7:13am

flying is so easy in my dreams…then when I wake up I really get hurt when I jump off the roof May 7 at 10:55pm

 had some spare time so I re-edited Citizen Kane- added three car chases, two huge orange explosions (Welles & Cotton flying at you in the foreground) and threw out an hour of pointless dialogue. Now, it’s REALLY the greatest film ever made. Day well spent. May 6 at 3:56pm

We were racing around on pedal go carts at my friend’s warehouse sale while a mountain lion attacked my cattle. Now try to tell me dreams have no meaning…that one’s pretty darn clear May 6 at 7:52am

our story so far… there was spaghetti as far as the eye could see..I nudged the sea turtle “we’ll be lucky if we make it outta here alive” he winked and burst through the door shooting… to be continued… May 3 at 7:25am

today’s the day I was supposed to straighten up and get serious, but I just don’t have the time for it April 29 at 7:04am

car wouldn’t start again this morning…jellyfish messing with the carburetor again…they just hit the neighbors’ two nights ago…I was warned this would happen if I moved to the beach… April 26 at 10:03am ·

I’ve talked my way out of so many serial killings it’s not even funny. I oughta write a book. I usually tell them I left the oven on and really have to get home. Lots of urgency in the voice. You’re welcome to try that one. April 23 at 5:44pm

I was arrested last night for impersonating a chair. I tried to run, but my cupholder exploded. I suppose sometimes we get exactly what we deserve.    April 21 at 9:59pm

 penguins on the lawn again…I hate when they do this…they know I’ll eventually invite them in for a shot of bourbon…we’ll talk about old times…    April 19 at 9:19pm

 I remember fondly the warm summer mornings when we would all ride our turtles to work. But alas! The price of minnows skyrocketed and the world switched to gasoline powered automobiles.    April 14 at 10:29pm

 I’m watching this show with a bunch of really confused people wandering around this island. Doesn’t make too much sense. I think it’s called LOST. Anyone heard of it? April 13 at 9:31pm

 hairy dishes, forks, knives, spoons, fridge, oven, dishwasher, cabinets…time to shave the kitchen again (sigh)      April 12 at 12:32am

NAKED WEEKEND! last day- don’t forget the sunscreen…   April 11 at 7:53am

 NAKED WEEKEND is finally here! Don’t forget! If you step out of your door with a stitch of clothes on, you may get pelted with paintballs. I LOVE this holiday!    April 10 at 5:39am

 I’m thinking about hiring a receptionist to greet people at the front door and tell them if I’m “in” or “in a meeting” …we’d have to get rid of alot of furniture to make room for the desk, which would bare my coat-of-arms.    April 8 at 8:48pm

 Geckos are lined up at the back door. Strange formation. I think they’re staging a coup, which may well confuse the pidgeons.    April 8 at 11:27am

 “THE INTERGALACTIC MOON COUNSEL OF THE TRIDENT ELDERS” …my brand new religion. Join now. It would be to your advantage to get in on the ground floor. Haven’t worked out the details yet. Something to do with particle theory, quantum mechanics, and foam latex. But, HEY! Friday is our Holy Day, so you get THREE DAY WEEKENDS FOR LIFE! You in?    April 5 at 5:36am

 Again- that recurring dream- speeding up and down the streets of Chinatown with Anthony & Monica, “She Wants Revenge” blasting from the stereo, dressed as lizards. Every Easter ir’s the same…    April 4 at 6:17am

My daughter turned all my socks inside out for April Fool’s Day. But I got the last laugh. After she went to bed I did the same thing to her Barbies & her tricycle.    April 1 at 11:01pm

   My daughter’s hampster tried to bite me again last night…we don’t see eye to eye politically any more. I’m not worried. If it comes down to it, I think I can take him.    April 1 at 9:41am

 The PENGUIN could very well be the most dangerous reptile on the planet. When handling them, always use sterilized tweezers and rubber gloves.    March 29 at 2:02pm

 Today’s Assignment: STEP 1. Admit that there’s a problem. STEP 2. Jump out the window. STEP 3. Hit one of those awnings they have in the movies and tumble safely down into the street below. STEP 4. make sure your friend caught it all on camera so you can post it online immediately. STEP 5. Rinse, lather and repeat.    March 28 at 10:50am

 Monkeys were at the door again this morning looking for their umbrella. I didn’t answer.    March 26 at 9:54pm

 Please- always remember to check your bananas for tarantulas. (Especially on April 1st.)    March 26 at 7:34am

 My cat filed for divorce earlier today. Said he’s grown weary of our relationship and ready to move on. I said “there’s the door…as soon as you can reach the handle you’re free to go”    March 25 at 6:52am

 When I fed the fish this morning they got angry and threw it back at me. Lesson learned, my friends, lesson learned…    March 23 at 7:08am

 Today is a great day. Today I open up to my therapist about my recurring nightmare where I’m brutally attacked by Patrick Starr on the refrigerator aisle.    March 22 at 7:44am

 Had another nightmare involving the Police. They were at my door demanding to be let in so they could vacuum and dust. I said “no way”. Sting seemed angry.    March 21 at 8:02am

 I’m having a voiceover professional follow me around to narrate my life. It’s that important.    March 20 at 11:04am

 I was thinking about joining Facebook today, but I have to feed a kid first and watch some cartoons    March 19 at 10:44am